The depressing thought of the day.

I am disappointed in myself.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I didn't fail a test.  Didn't steal anything or kill anybody.  I am disappointed in myself because it has been about 47 days since my last post.

47 days since I told myself that I was going to make a turn in my life.  I said I was going to improve on myself.  Learn something new.  Write everyday.  Pick up my guitar and start to practice.  Not sit on my butt and watch Netflix when I could be doing something productive.  47 days into my Year of Change and the only thing that has changed is my class schedule... and the length of my hair.

I keep demeaning myself in my head.  Sometimes there is a little voice saying "you're stupid, you're stupid.  You will fail."  That is my devil.  That is the thing that is keeping me from walking tall with a smile on my face and my shoulders pulled back all the time.  And no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it is always there.

My only course of action against it is my little mantra.  "Go away little devil.  Go away little devil."  But that only keeps the evil creature at bay.  Stalls it until that little monster can find the crack in the protective wall surrounding my mind, break though, and wreak havoc on the citizens I call my thoughts.  Those things that make me, well, me.

But for the millionth time I am sitting here, getting back on track.  I know that devil will keep attacking me. He's doing it at this very moment.  I know that one day he may succeed in his plans to tear me down while I work to lift myself up.  And in the end it will all be for nothing.

In the future, these things that I plan to learn and to do will fade into a distant memory, waiting in vain to be reclaimed, like our childhood toys.   I will replace them with more ambitions, more plans.  And the cycle will keep going, around and around in a never ending circle.

And now I am a little less disappointed in myself.  That's life I guess.